“How to Raise a Juvenile Delinquent"

The sheriff’s office in a Texas city once published a list of rules titled “How to Raise a Juvenile Delinquent"  as:

1. From infancy, give a child everything he wants. He'll believe that the world owes him a living.

2. Pick up after your child.  He'll learn to pass his duties on others.

3. Side with him always even against authorities. Tell him they're prejudiced against him because he is a “free spirit” and is never wrong. This will make him disregard anyone who corrects him or limits his behavior.

4. Prepare for grief as your child will end up in jail or have a messed up life. A child who never hears the word no has a limited understanding of the word yes.

In fact, St. John Bosco’s “No” is preferred by the kids to Bl. Michael Rua’s “Yes”. St. John Bosco takes the time to listen to the request. Then he kindly explains why the request is not good for the boy. So, the young feels loved despite the rejection or the limitation. ( Bl. Michael Rua is cold by temperament. So, his “yes” can appear to be impersonal. But he is a holy man.)

Videos: St. John Bosco's Relic in New Orleans, LA, USA

If video fails, go to http://divine-ripples.blogspot.com/2010/09/video-st-john-boscos-relic-in-new.html

Does due diligence require sending your kid to a private school?

Ten years ago, I carried him with one arm and anticipated his first word. Ten years from now, I’ll probably drop him off in college and help him lug his crate to his dorm. And then it’ll be practically over. Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, he’ll be out there on his own with his life and whatever I’ve done to shape it.

With this in mind, I cherish every minute that I spend with him these days and try not to yell at him for every little flaw. Instead of ordering him around, I give him a hand with his chores and I ask him to ride with me so that we can have a conversation. That way, I get to understand what led him to punch his 7 year old sister the night before.

I am also spending my retirement savings on his schooling as I enrolled him in Catholic school this year. I figured, how can I enjoy my retirement if my son turns out to be a bum. He is just in middle school but I think it’s time to take him out of public schools. It’s the environment. Even if I opt out of having him take sex-ed, everyone else will be talking about how they did it. As a former educator, I am well aware of the tremendous impact of peers on kids his age.

Some people say that he’ll be exposed to that anyway even in Catholic schools. Even if that is true, the exposure is limited. It won’t be the culture but rather a deviation; in public school, it is the atmosphere. A speaker in my wife’s convention this year shared how he got lost in a public school restroom and found kids huddled together watching others engage in oral sex.

Others think that I am being snobbish and elitist but putting my kid there. They don’t have a clue that it is about faith not elegance or prestige. Still others consider that purity is overrated. They say just teach my kids about protected sex so they don’t get pregnant or masturbation is natural and is really no big deal. I guess they can only speak of what they know. Talking to them about purity, innocence and chastity is like casting pearls to hogs.  Then there's the all time favorite, "I went to public school and I turned out alright."  I am not much of a diplomat so all I can say to that is, "I want my son to turn out better than myself ... or yourself for that matter.  The mission that I have from God is to make saints out of my children and my wife.  Saints."
To St. John Bosco who produced almost a hundred canonized saints over the past 100 years, purity is everything. A chaste mind, heart and body is a practical submission of oneself to God, a faith lived out and the beginning of the love of God. The world and the tempter dismiss these as little things because, that is how people fall - little by little.

I have 5 kids. Catholic middle school is 6 grand a year and high school is 13 grand. We’ll take it one day at a time as the Lord’s prayer asks only for , “... our daily bread…”. And even if I end up never retiring in this life and shopping with food stamps at the end, then I’ll just retire in heaven. St. John Bosco used to say that.

Though I know I can’t shelter them all their lives, I sure will do everything I can so that at the end, I will have no regrets. I would have gone all out at this war for my children's salvation.  There won't any "if only I did this"  Besides, God will never be outdone in fidelity and generosity so who knows?

(painting by Norman Rockwell)

St. John Bosco's Goodnight Talk

St. John Bosco housed homeless boys. Before going to bed, he gave them a "goodnight talk" right after night prayers.  This drew from an event during the day and concluded with a moral lesson. It is short and entertaining - drawing from the lives of the saints or from his visions.  After that, there is the "great silence" as the boys keep a prayerful ambiance of recollection.

I do the same with my kids ages 10,8,7 & 2.  We say our night prayers together consisting of an Our Father, Hail Mary & Glory Be following by an examination of conscience then an Act of Contrition.  After that, I give the talk.  I used Aesop's fables e.g. the ant and the grasshopper, Gospel stories e.g. the man who built his house on rock and the other on sand, events e.g. the dog getting groomed and then draw a simple moral lesson.  This allows me to explain to the kids the rationale for my policies and help them understand our sacrifices for them.  (As St. John Bosco taught, "It is not enough to love the young.  They must know that they are loved.)  More importantly, they learn how to put faith into action or live as a follower of Jesus.

By and large, this works as the kids remember the lessons, the rules and the love.

Recommendations Given By St. John Bosco To His First Missionaries (Still good & applicable to military & public servants too)

St. John Bosco (front row 2nd left) with his first missionaries

Winning hearts and minds

One in heart and soul

Recommendations Given By St. John Bosco To His First Missionaries

1.        Seek souls and not money, honor or dignities.

2.       Be charitable and most courteous towards all, but avoid conversations and familiarity with persons of the other sex or with persons whose conduct is open to suspicion.

3.       Do not go visiting, except for motives of charity or necessity.

4.       Do not accept invitations to dinner, except for very grave reasons.  In such cases arrange for a confrere to accompany you.

5.       Take special care of the sick, of the young, of the old and of the poor; and you will win the blessing of God and the goodwill of men.

6.       Show respect towards all persons in authority whether civil or religious.

7.       On meeting a person in authority, take care to salute him with due respect.

8.       Do the same towards ecclesiastics and persons belonging to religious institutes.

9.       Shun idleness and disputes, and observe great moderation in eating, drinking and sleeping.

10.   Love, reverence and respect other religious orders and always speak well of them.  In this way you will be esteemed by all, and will promote the good of our congregation.

11.   Take care of your health.  Work well, but only do as much as your strength will allow.

12.   Let the world know that you are poor in clothing, food and abode, and you will be rich in the sight of God, and will win the hearts of men.

13.   Love one another, advise one another, correct one another, and do not be carried away be either envy or rancor.  Let the good of one become the good of all, and let the troubles and sufferings of one be regarded as the troubles and sufferings of all, and let each one strive to banish or at least to mitigate the sorrows of others.

14.   Observe your rules, and never forget the monthly Exercise for a Happy Death.

15.   Every morning commend to God the occupations of the day, especially lessons, religious instructions and sermons.

16.   Constantly promote devotion to Mary Help of Christians, and to the Blessed Sacrament.

17.   Recommend to the boys frequent confessions and communion.

18.   In order to cultivate ecclesiastical vocations, constantly inculcate: (a) love of chastity; (b) horror of the opposite vice; (c) avoidance of bad companions; and (d) frequent communion.  Always be charitable, gentle and kindly towards the boys.

19.   Hear both sides before making up your mind regarding reports and matters in dispute.

20.   In time of fatigue and suffering do not forget that we have a great reward prepared for us in heaven.  Amen

Blog: Feastdays - a celebration of the spirit & the body

In St. John Bosco's schools and youth centers, feast days are celebrated with fanfare.  There were stage presentations - operettas back in his day, sports competitions and something special at the table.  It is a time of  merriment.  Since yesterday was the solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, I started a tradition at home.  It was nothing big - just having soft-batched cookies and chocolate milk for dessert.  This is special because my wife does not let the kids have chocolate milk.  I explained why we're having something special and told my son to remind me next year, so I can get the treats.  My eldest asked for the date and I bet you, he'll remember.  He tells me of events that happened when he was 4 or 5

Blog/Video: Veggie Tales taught my son perseverance

Cartoons taught my son perseverance. When he was 7, he was a Tiger scout. During one of their meetings, they had a crab walk race. Since he was doing it right, he trailed the pack. It became so bad that everyone else had crossed the finish line. But he kept on. The other parents were so impressed that they gave him a standing ovation as he struggled to the very end. When I asked him what made he hang on, he said that he recalled the Veggie Tale story about perseverance. (See below.)

St. John Bosco would have used this too if was around in the 1800s.  He used all the media available then e.g.  theater, acrobatics, juggling, drama, operettas, stories, songs and billboards stating "God sees you."

Video Description:  Scallion (Larry the Cucumber) challenges Apollo Gourd for the World Veggie-Weight Title! Can Scallion stick with it and finish the match? Can he keep his eye on the Tiger Bike awarded to the champion? In this zany tale of perseverance, The Italian Scallion learns that when you finish what you start, you always come out the winner! Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQI8YPfcTf0 or click here

Blog/Video: St. John Bosco on Education / Parenting : Make it fun.

St. John Bosco's preventive system is described as a pedagogy from heaven because it first came to him on a vision.
John saw himself playing with a crowd of neighborhood boys; many of them were fighting and swearing. He told them to stop, then leapt in with both fists when they did not. Suddenly a stranger, a noble and radiant gentleman, appeared. He told John that he needed to use kindness, not blows, to win over these children. John did not understand. The man said he would give him a teacher, and a majestic Lady showed up. She instructed John to watch, and the boys turned into wild animals—bears, goats, dogs, cats, etc. “This,” she told him, “is your field of work. Make yourself humble, strong, and energetic, so that you’ll be able to do for my children what you’ll see now.” And the beasts turned into gentle lambs. In his confusion, John began to cry. The Lady assured him that in due time he would understand. And he woke up.  (http://www.bosconet.aust.com/DBD.html#d0e17 )

Both preventive and repressive systems involve making expectations and consequences known.  In the preventive system, the educator assists the kids to succeed like a friend keeping his buddies away from trouble.  In the repressive system, the educator enforces the rules and administers punishments on violations just like a cop.  The preventive system takes time, effort and self-sacrifice.  One needs to hang out with the kids and have something fun for them.  The repressive system is easy ;  one comes in only as needed usually to assert authority over the little people.  In return, the preventive system works;  it makes the kids better by changing them from the inside.  The repressive system can give compliance just like those of prisoners but it does not educate.  How many times have you met kids who are just waiting to turn 18 so that they can leave their "oppressive" homes.  However, punishments are unavoidable because lines will be crossed.  According to St. John Bosco, "Punishment is anything intended to become punishment."  So, a cold shoulder from St. John Bosco has the same effect as a slap because the kids love him.  What makes it work is love.  Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down and a spoonful of honey catches more flies than a gallon of vinegar.  Also, no one cares how much you know until they know how much you care.

Here's an illustration of how one can make change fun.

Heart speaks to the heart

     St. John Bosco counsels his educators, "Love what the youth loves and they will love what you love."  No one cares about what you know until they know that you care.  

     The picture shows a few of my students from a school where I had a tough class.  I had time to "waste" of them e.g. during the candy drive, I took groups to the metro station where we sold so much that we won 2nd place.  I told them that I don't believe any kid is bad & I meant it.   They responded with trust & openness.

     These days, I have my own kids.  Lately, I got a couple of weekends when I did not have to work so I reconnected with my 9 year old by spending an afternoon in Dave & Busters.  We were like comrade in arms as we shot aliens & dinosaurs.  I relaxed his diet by treating him to a malt.  Sure enough, his one word answers became more ellaborate.  He opened up like he was talking to his friend.  When we returned home, he told his siblings to look forward for a one-on-one time with me.  Today, I played Old Maid, Dora Bingo & Trip to Candy land with my 5 year old daughter.  She relished every minute of it.

     There is a cost to all this.  If I spent all the time at work, I'd make more & be somebody.  But if that will send my daughters to the dancing pole of a go-go bar & my sons to juvi to get my attentiion, then I rather spend my time with them.  They're the reason I work.